Although for some it comes so easily (sometimes even by accident) getting pregnant and having children has NEVER been easy for Matt and I. The one thing I desire the most is actually the most difficult thing to achieve for me. We've heard it all... "just relax, it'll happen when you don't expect it! Pray more! Your timing must be off" Really we've heard more advice than we care to hear to be completely honest. The diagnosis of unknown infertility (the very idea that all tests come back completely normal and there is no known reason) is downright frustrating and completely heartbreaking. Of course we've continued to try naturally it just doesn't happen.
Although we had achieved pregnancy 2 years ago, it unfortunately ended in miscarriage early on. Over the last several years there have been countless conversations back and forth on whether to push the issue and attempt to do fertility treatments to grow our family as we had hoped.. Were we pushing God's hand? Was it financially responsible of us? But through all the conversations one thing remained... I still wanted a child. Matt agreed and in March we took a HUGE leap of faith and went in to discuss our options. At over $20,000 IVF had already been taken off the table by Matt prior to going in. You can only imagine how much my heart dropped when we were told IUI just wasn't a good option for us and the only recommendation was IVF. I could feel the lump in my throat starting to form until the doctor said.... "I know you said no to IVF but let me tell you about this new procedure we are trying" It's very similar to IVF but about half the cost!" She told us all about the experimental Invocell procedure and asked us to think about it and let her know. This process is basically a mini IVF with less medication, less monitoring, and a natural incubation done in your body versus the lab. It was risky and there wasn't much data on it. We were nervous but hopeful and agreed to get started the next month. We got financing in place and both made a pact that this was the last hurrah. We just couldn't financially swing anymore treatments after this.
Over the next several weeks it was a series of countless oral medications, lots of shots, and a few monitoring visits. The first appointment didn't go as well as we had hoped. My body didn't produce as many follicles as they had hoped and the doctor wasn't optimistic about moving forward with such few follicles. We decided we had nothing to lose at this point and kept pushing forward. As Matt said "We only need 1". At retrieval we were able to retrieve only two eggs versus the 8 they hoped for. But again... "we only needed 1" Just before transfer I prayed that they would fertilize and that our journey wouldn't end here. God answered... both eggs fertilized but only one made it though to transfer. Again Matt reminded me... "We only need 1" After transfer we waited for the horrible 2 week wait and were blessed to see that, that the 1 embryo stuck! Seeing pregnant on that stick was an answer to many prayers and a sigh of relief. My HCG levels were good and rising as they should! Things were looking up.
At the first ultrasound we were let down again. The yolk sac was there but everything was measuring a week behind. "It just doesn't look good" my doctor said and asked that I come back the next week if I hadn't miscarried before. I went back the next week and much to our surprise... there was a baby in the sac now and my measurements while still behind had grown quite a bit. However, no heartbeat was detected yet."Wow, wasn't expecting that... maybe we shouldn't write this off quite yet." she said. She asked me to come back again in a week. It was the last week of school and getting off was just not easy in the middle of testing. I asked if I could come a little later to at least get through the end of my school year and she agreed but let me know that a miscarriage could start at any time.
I made it through the last week of school. No signs of miscarriage. I was anxious and hopeful and there were a LOT of conversations with God. Monday came and I was more than ready for the sonogram. Until I saw the screen and heard the words I'd been dreading... "I'm sorry Lauren, the baby has no heartbeat and has stopped growing."
Shock.
Numb.
Disappointment.
Sadness.
"You have had what we call a missed miscarriage. Your baby has died but your body has not recognized it yet which is why you have so signs or symptoms. If you haven't miscarried in a week we will go in and surgically remove it"
My dream had just been crushed. My precious gift from God taken away just as quickly as it was given.
Oh the emotions that flooded my mind as I sat and just cried...
sadness.... anger...fear....confusion....more sadness
Honestly, I don't regret trying. I had to give it every last chance I had. I needed to be able to tell myself I tried EVERYTHING and I NEVER gave up even when it was hard. I learned a lot through this experience and I've never been closer or learned to rely on God as much as I have lately.
Of course I am blessed beyond measure to have two living children, and I feel blessed that I'll have two precious babies in heaven to love on but right now... in the realness of this moment... I'm sad. And although others may feel otherwise.... that's ok. It's all part of a process. One that will take me some time to sort through... but I'll make it.
Thank you for your continued prayers. They mean the world to me!
